Better Than Sex

Some would find several months' confinement as a sex-slave in someone's basement a bad thing.

I kind of liked it.

I miss the constant spankings.  The cattle-prods.  Hair-pulling.  The auctioning off to neighbors in a gimp suit.  Sleeping in my own filth everynight and having to lick it up the next day.

Then I hear about this amazing Tiffany Sutton chick.  Oh baby!!!

Come to me!!!

I need your stabbings!!!  Cut me baby!!!  You can live in my shed!!!  I will wear the gimp mask!!!

Beat me!  Tie me up!!!  Drink my blood!!!

I'll drink lots of water for you to ensure my veins are plump.  I'll stay on my feet while you chase me with your pick-axe!!!

Oh baby!!!

You can cut me with your knives, your scissors, I'll give you some of my own special scalpels.  Oh baby!!!  Forget that other guy.  The guy who ran away!  He was nothing.  He wasn't worthy of your hot sexy stabbings.  He wasn't man enough to have you lap up his multiple stab-wounds and be chased so erotically through the streets, naked and bloody and half in shock while you so seductively flailed a pick-axe in your blood-stained hands.

Oh Tiffany!!!!  Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany!!!!  Come to Biggus!!!!!

Biggus will be good to you, Tiffany!  Biggus will be your slave!  You can tie me down, Tiffany.  You can whip me with studded chains, just like in all your wild S&M fantasies!!!  I can be you testing gimp.  Beat me and slap me and cut me into nuggets, baby!!!  I will be your whoresdesvours!!!  You can dip me in your special cream sauce and lick me all over before you sink your teeth into my juicy flesh and devour me completely....

Oh Tiffany..... Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany!!!!  My dear sweet pick-axe psycho shed girl!!!  I have a shed for you, my love!!!  I will wait for you.  A month.  A year.  3 years.  However long it takes in this messed up world of ours where the powers that be can't possibly understand the love of a woman and her pick-axe.

Her fuck-me red hair brushes against my goose-bumped skin.  My hard-on grows until I press against her ass.  I touch her breasts.  She grabs and pulls me against her hard.  We kiss.  Our tongues dance and mingle. The lights dim and spin and whir.  I enter her.  She whirs and purrs until I burst.

The hottie across the aisle smiled seductively over her shoulder and wiggled her sweet little ass... my member rose and I stumbled after her, planning my move.

Red hair.  Piercing eyes.  Ample cleavage, which she didn't mind showing on the several occasions she bent over to grab an item or two.  And she always caught me looking.

My dick doubled and tripled as it snaked its way towards her... she noticed and laughed, flipping her head back and shaking her head.

She wrapped her hands around a large stiff cucumber.  I wrapped mine around a couple of juicy melons.

I commented on their firmness.  She commented on its thickness.

I followed her out.  We left together. 

I sucked on my melons.  She enjoyed her nice meaty cucumber.

We always enjoyed it like that.

Biggus is pissed.  Biggus is pissed because the hot chick next to me is being fucked around by a small-dicked asshole she once had the drunken misfortune of sharing herself with.

So now what I must do is get this computer off my hardening cock and fuck her pretty little brains out.  And bury my face between her legs and fuck her with my tongue.  And run my fingers along her spine....

Nothing gets rid of frustration like a really good bone-crunching orgasm.  Or two.  Or three.  Or fifty.

I have been so damn busy fucking the brains out of this hot-as-hell bitch that I bought back in the spring, I haven't had time to write about all the wonderful orgasms I've been having lately.

First, let me tell you about this bitch of mine.  She is fine.  Got boobs.  NICE ASS.  Really cool hair.  The kind of pussy you could just plunge your entire face into and lose both your contacts in....

Speaking of which... for all you serious muff-divers out there who wear contacts, you might wanna consider taking them out before diving in.  I've lost at least five contacts in the last few weeks, and I'm getting a little annoyed at coming up blind after nose-fucking my saucy little wench.

Of course.... she never believes me when I dive right back down there "looking for my contact".... with my tongue hanging out....

Now, I am of course talking about SERIOUS muff-diving here.  Thighs-on-shoulders, nose-on-clit, tongue-in-pussy muff-diving.  Naturally, your eyes end up, well, right in the middle of the action....

So, I'm thinking maybe a pair of swimming goggles and a breathing tube.... gotta have the right gear....

*** Dicksclaimer: Bitch, in this context, is the highest compliment that could be bestowed upon any hot babe.  A bitch is even higher in the babe hierarchy than ho's and sluts.

I don't know about you, but I've had some of the most amazingly incredible bone-crunching fuckarific sex lately....

Yes, my friends, I have found it.  I have found my fuckmate.

I know, I know.... some of you don't believe in fuckmates.  That there is someone out there whose sole purpose in life is to fuck you senselessly and endlessly forever and ever.

This is, of course, the reason for my non-existent blogging of late.  Difficult to type when you're constantly bouncing off someone else's privates.

Okay, so let's forget for a second that I've been gone for four months.  I'll get back to that....

Right now I'm pissed.   Really pissed.  (Not really, dufus, just play along with me here.)

There's this guy.  Actually probably lots of guys.  Butt-fucking guys.  Butt-fuckers.  Rump-riders.  Shitter-shovers.

Anyhoo.  All these twit-shitting shitter-shovers think about is ram-rodding rectums.

Fuck that shit.  (OMG.  I just now totally realized how that term originated)

One day, some dude said, "fuck that shit," and someone took him literally.  Thus began the era of modern-day rumpus-pumpus.

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe it's 'cause my dick is so ridiculously huge it can't possibly fit in such a teensy weensy hole.  I don't know.  But the whole butt-hole bit seems lame to me.  Find a real hole to poke your peter in.  Some place a little more pussy-oriented, or vaginally inclined.

I mean, has anyone ever blurted out in public, "I just got fucked in the ass," and said it in a way where it sounds the least bit like a pleasurable experience is being referenced??  Does anyone actually tremble with excitement at the thought of giving themselves an enema??  Does the constant feel of a monster-sized lincoln-log poopie stuck up in your ass turn you on?? (For any of you sick fuckers out there who answered 'yes' to any of these, get the hell off of my blog, you sick rump-riding shitter-shoving ass humping moron!!!)

Oh, and I was busy having the greatest wall-banging pussy-pounding sex of my life with an amazingly beautiful woman every single night... which left me no time or energy for blogging.

If you like me and you know it,
suck my dick,
(clap clap)

If you like me and you know it,
suck my dick,
(clap clap)

If you like me and you know it,
and you really want to show it,
if you like me and you know it,
suck my dick
(boom boom!)

Lately, I've felt like I've been carrying the whole world on top of my dick.  Maybe it has something to do with the amazing ho-down this past weekend, where I tried to stuff three ho's standing up at one time....

Not the brightest thing for me to do, surely.  I just got back from the doc's, where I was diagnosed with a sprained penis.  Not good.  Now I have to wear a dick splint (extra-large of, course). 

So much depends upon a big fat dick, covered with cum, beside the passed-out prostitutes.

I was just about to post something profound when this totally HOT chick walked up to me and.... well, did what hot chicks do....

Next thing I knew, my laptop went sliding off my lap, smacking the hard floor, and wiping out everything.

Whoever designed the laptop didn't take into consideration the catastrophic effect of a biggus dickus erectus....

Go on and lay your pedantic idiosyncrasies on me, wrap me up in the dialectic diagrams of your poster board dialogue.  It only reminds me of Dianetics, diaphanous drivel in disguise.

But then again, I’m no L. Ron Hubbard.  Do I sound like I regret it?

The other night, I was having a passionate conversation with this amazingly hot chick, the one I was pining about in the post before.... anyhoo.... somehow in the midst of all the oooohs and aaaaaahs, we got to talking about grudges, and then "The Grudge" movie, and about how curses and hauntings are started (actually, she was pretty well spent by this time, so it was more like a post-coital monologue I was having between me and my suddenly quite philosophical dick).

I was trying to surmise the basis for a haunting.  My guess is, it starts with the dying process, which emanates a certain amount of psycho-spiritual energy.  Whenever this energy being released is intense enough, it becomes a permanent fixture of the local environs.  That's why you have some "ghosts" hanging out in their beloved home or whatnot, which usually represents a high discharge of positive energy upon dying, and why you have malicious hauntings and curses, which result from high amounts of necro-negativity.  Simple, really.

But then my dick mentioned something that I hadn't considered.  "What about all the bugs and rodents and stuff which are killed violently in any given home??  Wouldn't they also release certain amounts of negative psycho-spiritual energy -- particularly a poisoned mouse, which suffers a horribly agonizing death??"

It's true, indoor pests are dealt with mercilessly, and would therefore possess the greatest motive for a potential haunting or curse.  But, as far as I know, no one has ever complained of a "spider haunting", or a "ghost mouse".  So, my dick and I joined heads for a moment to figure out why (and NO, I can't suck my own cock.  I can merely touch it to my own forehead).

The thesis we came up with was that insects and small rodents either don't have souls, or if they do, their souls are too small to create the energy needed for a haunting....

In my heart's winter hides desire, and passion sleeps -- I wait for you, waiting for our breaths to mix, to burst into flames.... Night blankets the sky with stars under the glistening blanket.  Naked, I lay waiting to consume you, to warm you with my touch, to revive you with my fire.

Dawn lights the winter morn as I lust for your warmth.  I want inside you, devouring your mouth, tongue dancing with tongue, skin sliding against silken skin.

I plunge through the frozen mist -- satisfying pleasures, wants, and needs -- Release me... Show me the alter of lust.... Climb higher to the edge.

Come for me. 

Okay.  So my absence...

As you might have guessed, I was busted AGAIN for soliciting an undercover cop... and yes, it was the same damn cop from the times before!!!  (Don't laugh.  This cop is SOOO hot!!!  Even though i KNEW she was under cover -- I hoped a big enough bribe would get her under a DIFFERENT cover...) 

Unfortunately, the ho's who usually bail me out were all out getting laid and paid, and the only one i could turn to was the misses...

I explained to her how i thought the cop was a prostitute, but she didn't seem very sympathetic.  She slapped me around (which is such wonderful foreplay!!!), and then I was cuffed to the bed and forced to endure days and days of merciless nipple-twists and genitalia-related torture (otherwise known as marital sex)...

Let me just say, there is nothing hotter than post-bail aggrivated marital bondage sex.... unless you count drunken orgy sex.... 

I was finally rescued by concerned ho's who came looking for my impressive manhood, which fortunately for me happens to be attached (quite sexily, I might add...).

Thus, after expressing my gratitude over a three day period of non-stop hedonism, I am FINALLY free to blog once more!!!  I hope during my absence everyone was able to enjoy hours and hours of amazing sex -- and occasionally, with a partner....

For those who need more hateful words to live by.....

Random thoughts pop in my head
Like "you slimy bastard I wish you were dead"
Your evil deeds can not be undone
You did hurt to me through what you called "fun"
My hate for you is beyond the words I can find
My revenge for you will come to you with time
Each day I think and plan some more
Until the day you’ll find that I have snuck through your back door
Silently I'll come for you deep in the night
From where?
You won’t know for I'll be out of sight
Sleep well my dear friend
Let no worries come your way
Sleep well my friend
For when I will come for you,
You’ll not know what day.**

** - This is NOT intended as a threat towards anyone I actually know.

Funny how peaches and cream just seem to go together... hmmmm....

Speaking of which, looks like my 12-lays of Christmas have finally come and come gone.  Thanks Peachy, and whoever you other ho's were.... I forgot to notice faces and names once again.  Sorry.  But the short one with all the tattoos... whoever you are, you are really great with your toes.  I never KNEW toe sex could be so good!!!

As you might have noticed from earlier postings.... I have anger issues from time to time.  And lately it seems I've been taking it in the ass again, and not in the cherry-enema fun kind of way....

So here's some wonderfully vindictive spite for all the assholes in my life and everyone else's that have given us the Joan Collins Special:

My hate for you is beyond words
The sight of your face brings nothing but disgust for me
Your name brings nothing but anger and regret
Regret that some sorry soul of a person had part in bringing you into this world
I do have sympathy for you though
Sympathy for you because you have to walk around looking as you do
Being as you are
Hurting whom you seem fit to...
My words for you are simple but true
Unlike you I won't allow my hate to guide me
I will move on and be proud of who I am
Unlike you
I will be loved for the person I am
Because I know I'll find love
Unlike you
Asshole

It's rather embarrassing.  It happens to me often.

What goes up does not come down.

And so I spend the entire morning in the ER trying to explain to all the sexy nurses that, although I AM very happy to see them, it's not the reason that my pants jut out unsightly and I can't seem to walk as straight as my dick.

Even a man as verile and manly as myself can maintain a safe salute for only a couple hours before physical damage and pain sets in.  The problem is being SO incredibly verile all the time.... I sometimes require medical assistance before I can pee again.

Use to, I could throw a couple ho's on the problem and everything would settle down eventually.  Now, no matter how many ho's I throw on the damn thing, it never seems to re-limp-itize.... leaving me stuck between two ho's and a hard place....